In my mind, the way his parents had responded to his drinking only increased his guilt and shame and drained him of any remaining motivation to quit. That question intensified my grief and feelings of devastating loss. Someone close to me said they didn’t understand why someone so smart with so many opportunities couldn’t stop drinking. I had failed to save him, and I had failed his parents, who had said I was their last hope. This change in my behavior led to a change in my thinking, and the change in my thinking has helped me to achieve greater serenity.Īfter my fiancé died from progressive drinking, I begged God to let me die too. I don’t always believe myself when I say that, but I act as though I do. Though it is still difficult for me to not try to control everything around me, I tell myself that I deserve to be content and even happy, regardless of what is happening around me. Instead, I focus on playing my own part and living my life in a way that allows me peace and serenity. I play my part rather than try to direct everything that goes on around me. Instead, I am a small part of my surroundings. Now I realize that my surroundings are not a part of me or an extension of me. This led to low self-esteem and an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I learned in recovery that so much depends on our own attitudes. And when I could not, I felt that I had failed my purpose in life and that until I could control and fix everyone around me, I had no value. Because of this, I felt the need to get involved in every situation to “fix” it. I went around behaving as though the universe existed because I made it so rather than the other way around. William Jamesīefore recovery, I never stopped to realize that the world exists separate from me. Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
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